I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
