Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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