Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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