oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
