I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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