a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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