There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
