She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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