Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
