worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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