you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
