the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Randomize
