Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
