GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
