Porn is love you can see.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
