Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
