Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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