just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
