I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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