the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Randomize
