youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
