the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
