i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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