I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
