I hate your face
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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