I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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