I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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