before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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