man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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