OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
