I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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