I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Randomize
