Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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