why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
