God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
