well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
