Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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