i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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