My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
