Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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