it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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