I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
