I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
