Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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