If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
