If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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