Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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