Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
