I hope mine doesn't look like that
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
