just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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