if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I lost the right to judge tonight
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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